A positive wake is critical to our success, to our relationships, to our leadership. But there is only one way to determine the impact our wake has on others. They must tell us. That’s why feedback is a gift.
- Stephen C. Lundin, Ph.D. and Marshall Goldsmith, Ph.D.

Two of the greatest skills you can build to enhance your communication skills with others are related to the concept that feedback is one of the most precious gifts another human being can give us.

I worked for a company for five years once, and during that time I received one review from my manager. He never gave more because money was tight and people tended to associate reviews with monetary increases, but I genuinely just wanted to know if I was doing a good job or not, what I could work on to improve the company, etc. Nuthin’. I didn’t leave that job, I escaped. Psychologically, the lack of knowing whether the work I did made a bit of good was surprisingly important to me. At the next company I worked for, my manager was always there with answers to questions, and gave me constant praise and constructive criticism in the time I was there. Receiving the occasional pat on the back, or assistance in steering my work so it provided the most value, was as important to my job satisfaction as getting a paycheck every two weeks.

I’ve since become a feedback junkie. Sometimes the constructive criticism sort of feedback can be difficult (both to give and receive), but I’ve learned that in many cases it is also the most valuable. I’ve learned to identify those rare individuals that I can count on to poke holes in any theory, project, or idea I run by them – and once I identify them I make sure it’s a relationship I hold dearly, because it is unfortunately rare.

I should add one caveat to the concept that feedback is a gift. The type of feedback that is not particularly helpful is the opposite of constructive criticism, destructive criticism. If the intent of the person providing the feedback is to attack and harm rather than to be helpful, their words are generally valueless and can be quite poisonous if taken to heart.

So seek out opportunities to provide praise or assistance to your fellow coworkers or friends, and do so with a helpful heart. Like many things that are of a rare nature, your words can be of significant and lasting value to others. By providing others feedback, you are working to build empathy for others, a skill that will be of often unsung but still significant value to you in your life and career. And by listening to, and truly considering, what constructive advice people have for you without immediately going into defensive mode, you can increase your capacity for patience and humility. I am convinced that a consistent trait of a great leader, in virtually any situation, is the ability to simultaneously exhibit unwaiveringly confidence and unquestionable humility.

I am not sure how it was brought up, but one day he started talking about people being honest. He suggested that when our acquaintances pass us in the hall or on the sidewalk and ask how we are doing, they are often just doing it as a courtesy and would rather not actually hear the story about how you are feeling inside. And we know this, so we often respond with “Fine” even though fine may be far from the most accurate word do describe our current state.

My instructor challenged us to spend one entire day being completely honest in every conversation. If someone asks you how you are, tell them the truth, and if you don’t genuinely care how they are doing, don’t ask! I started living my life this way, convinced that the point I should take away from the challenge was that I should be brutally honest and just not ask people how they are if I don’t care to hear the answer.

But over time, I have developed something much more important than that as a result of this little experiment. I am not at all convinced this was the original intent of the challenge, but it dawned on me that maybe instead of not asking how people I don’t care about were doing, I ought to focus on caring about ALL of my fellow man, at least enough to care to know their general well being.

Now, when I ask how people are doing, I want them to respond honestly rather than just saying “fine” or “I’m good, how are you?” Unless of course that’s how they truly feel.

So tomorrow when you go about your daily business, take time to ask the people around you how they are doing, and when they tell you the truth, embrace it. Further, when someone asks you how you are doing, tell them the truth. Even if you are feeling “fine”, try to use a more descriptive word. Some of my personal favorites are “awesome”, “groovy”, “inspired”, and “excellent”.

But I would like to suggest that there is a much bigger issue, a much deeper tragedy entwined in the stories being portrayed in our media. To explain, let me take you back to 1994. I was in my Sophomore year of college and had just arrived to Arizona State University to earn myself a degree in Journalism. Writing and covering stories that impacted our world and communities, delivering the truth to the masses, maybe framing the news in a more positive light – these were the goals of a twenty year old Iain Hamp.

About the same time I began to dive into the start of my journalism education, the OJ Simpson trial was in full swing and a media frenzy. It had bugged me a bit that there was so much coverage of the trial, when so many other things worth talking about were going on in the world, but I tended to just laugh at the absurdity of it more than anything else.

I was working as a security guard near ASU when I wasn’t in class, and a friend of mine was doing the same and lived in the same apartment complex as me. One day, in the Phoenix heat of summer, as we were walking home, my friend collapsed on the ground and had to be taken to the hospital. It turned out his lung had collapsed. I went to the hospital and waited around in the waiting room to find out what was happening with him, and the entire time life was happening around me, the OJ Trial was on the TV. People were coming in and out of the hospital for all sorts of things that needed healing, and yet we were all so worried about whether or not OJ was lying. It was a surreal moment, I turned away from the TV, and my heart swelled with empathy for the stories happening all around me.

That was the last summer of my journalism career. Of course with the advent of blogging, I can write the sorts of uplifting things and deliver the building messages I want to send out to the masses (all fifteen of you). But the mass media still delivers more and more of the same thing – news about people we don’t personally know, detailing parts of a stranger’s life I have absolutely no right or interest in knowing. And I guess I just have to ask – what good can come of it? What can we learn from it, what positive can we take away from knowing the mess that is the Anna Nicole Smith custody battle, or who Britney Spears is married to this week, or even whether or not OJ did it. At the end of the day, has it enhanced your life in any way?

Maybe I’m missing it. But I don’t see the point in me paying attention to any of it, and I found a great way to get away from paying attention to it. When the news starts talking about this sort of story, I turn it off, and I immediately go spend time doing something I absolutely love to do. Maybe that’s listening to my favorite music, or reading a few pages in a favorite book, or going for a walk, or calling a friend I haven’t talked to in a while…

Or, as was the case when I started this post, getting online and writing a blog post. Have a great week folks. You get better at anything you practice, so practice attracting positive things into your life.

One thing I discovered early on, which I have transferred into many other aspect of my life, is to set expectations accurately, and to do so as soon as possible. If a group came into the restaurant, were seated, and then I didn’t get to them to take their drink order for five or six minutes because I was swamped (”in the weeds” is the restaurant term for “swamped”), the customers would be very agitated when I got to them. This would not bode well for my tip. However, if I got to the table within a minute or two and just said “Folks, just want to let you know I’ll be with you shortly to get your drink order”, then they’d usually be quite fine with not getting their drink order five to seven minutes after they sat down. I managed their expectations appropriately, they felt acknowledged and not forgotten, and as long as there were no other problems with the service that evening, I was probably in line for a decent tip.

Nowadays, everyone talks about the forty hour work week in America as though it is an urban legend, continued by cruel people who want to set our expectations of corporate life in some way that is not in line with reality. True enough, many exempt employees work fifty, sixty, seventy hours a week – voluntarily! They say it’s good for their career, proves they’re team players, and you might as well get used to it now because it’s just how it is. I know people who work over eighty hours a week, and proclaim that if you want the job they have that’s just what you have to do.

If you want to work that many hours, and you’re just really passionate about your work, and that all fits in well with your perception of a quality work/life balance, then good for you – you found your place in the corporate biosphere. But I know more people who work tens of hours of overtime each week and then proceed to do nothing but complain about it. For years. They get up early in the morning, dreading to go to work. They work ten, twelve, fourteen hour days regularly and have an ambiance around them like they are martyrs, doing what’s best for the company at the expense of themselves so that they can further their career. Then, when they finally leave, they go home and complain about the day at work, and have little energy to do much more than watch television and go to sleep. Or, maybe, to log into work from home and check on things for a few hours.

Let me be so bold as to suggest that there may be a few questions you ought to ask yourself if you are in this boat, or more importantly, to consider carefully if you are thinking of getting into this boat.

- Are you working hard, or working smart?
- Does your manager know that you really don’t like working this many hours?
- Do you live to work, or work to live?
- Would you prefer a work/life balance, or a life/work balance?
- Have you managed your employer’s expectations accurately?

I’m not saying forty hour work weeks across the board is going to be realistic in today’s corporate environment in America. But by setting people’s expectations to be that you are going to work smartly, diligently, and passionately during the hours you are at work, in order to work less hours and spend your evenings and weekends happy and enjoying your life outside of work (enjoying the fruits of your labor), you can probably find a happy medium somewhere between forty hours a week and where you are today. When you find it, stick to it. You’ll be a much happier worker, which translates into increased productivity, could boost the morale of those around you, and will improve the quality of your time outside of work.

When I meet someone new, regardless of skin color, environment, style, or any sort of outward appearance (except, perhaps to some degree, body language), I try desperately to give people the same high level of respect when I meet them for the first time. My philosophy is to start at that high level, and hope that they exceed or match it (and they usually do). It means it is up to their actions and words to make me gain or lose respect for them, not whether they are in a wheel chair, or they are a different age, or female, or from a different part of the world, etc.

Today as you go out into the world and spend another day in the world, experiment with seeing how differently people react to you if you begin the relationship by granting them a great deal of respect just for being a human being, capable of joy and suffering just as much as yourself.