A positive wake is critical to our success, to our relationships, to our leadership. But there is only one way to determine the impact our wake has on others. They must tell us. That’s why feedback is a gift.
- Stephen C. Lundin, Ph.D. and Marshall Goldsmith, Ph.D.

Two of the greatest skills you can build to enhance your communication skills with others are related to the concept that feedback is one of the most precious gifts another human being can give us.

I worked for a company for five years once, and during that time I received one review from my manager. He never gave more because money was tight and people tended to associate reviews with monetary increases, but I genuinely just wanted to know if I was doing a good job or not, what I could work on to improve the company, etc. Nuthin’. I didn’t leave that job, I escaped. Psychologically, the lack of knowing whether the work I did made a bit of good was surprisingly important to me. At the next company I worked for, my manager was always there with answers to questions, and gave me constant praise and constructive criticism in the time I was there. Receiving the occasional pat on the back, or assistance in steering my work so it provided the most value, was as important to my job satisfaction as getting a paycheck every two weeks.

I’ve since become a feedback junkie. Sometimes the constructive criticism sort of feedback can be difficult (both to give and receive), but I’ve learned that in many cases it is also the most valuable. I’ve learned to identify those rare individuals that I can count on to poke holes in any theory, project, or idea I run by them – and once I identify them I make sure it’s a relationship I hold dearly, because it is unfortunately rare.

I should add one caveat to the concept that feedback is a gift. The type of feedback that is not particularly helpful is the opposite of constructive criticism, destructive criticism. If the intent of the person providing the feedback is to attack and harm rather than to be helpful, their words are generally valueless and can be quite poisonous if taken to heart.

So seek out opportunities to provide praise or assistance to your fellow coworkers or friends, and do so with a helpful heart. Like many things that are of a rare nature, your words can be of significant and lasting value to others. By providing others feedback, you are working to build empathy for others, a skill that will be of often unsung but still significant value to you in your life and career. And by listening to, and truly considering, what constructive advice people have for you without immediately going into defensive mode, you can increase your capacity for patience and humility. I am convinced that a consistent trait of a great leader, in virtually any situation, is the ability to simultaneously exhibit unwaiveringly confidence and unquestionable humility.

Life’s creative solutions require alonetime. Solitude is required for the unconscious to process and unravel problems. Others inspire us, information feeds us, practice improves our performance, but we need quiet time to figure things out, to emerge with new discoveries, to unearth original answers.
- Ester Buchholz

The message today is a simple one, but important. In many common environments we find ourselves in – families, school, work, etc – there are times when the situation calls for you to be a dedicated team player, and others where strong independent contributions are needed. Leaders, for example, rely on their teams to realize success in whatever they are trying to accomplish. However, it is the decisive actions of that leader, the choices made when that leader is called upon, which are looked upon to provide direction and guidance. As much as that leader may take in advice and feedback from team members into consideration when making those tough calls, the gut instinct of that leader plays a factor important enough that they “own” the decision more than any other individual in the team.

When Michael Jordan played for the Chicago Bulls, winning the NBA Finals many times over, he was a phenomenal individual contributor. Without him, his team would have been hard pressed to be as successful. However, visualize a basketball game in which the opposing team had to only play Michael Jordan. Five against one, a very different story would likely be told.

The fact is, successful teams are filled with strong individual contributors. The more you enhance yourself as an individual, the more the team can benefit from having you as a part of it.

If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap. If you want happiness for a day, go fishing. If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune. If you want happiness for a lifetime, help somebody. – Chinese Proverb

How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world. – Anne Frank

Our friends should be companions who inspire us, who help us rise to our best. - Joseph B. Wirthlin

Listen to people as they talk to you through out your day, and you will quickly find that they all have problems. Colleagues who keep complaining about the way something never works right, or how a process doesn’t make any sense. Friends who are trying to improve their careers, or go back to school. In fact, you don’t have to listen to them to find out something is amiss – just watch your manager’s body language, or note a family member’s mood being unusually negative. Someone who is normally talkative and outgoing being reserved and quiet instead.

The signs are all around us, and where there are signs, there are opportunities to help. Of course, the person has to want the help or you can’t get very far in your efforts. But I have found that once I changed my approach and thought process when it comes to acting on opportunities to assist others, people were generally not only open to having my help but were very grateful for it.

My natural tendency used to be that I was being respectful by just butting out of issues people were facing. If I met a coworker for lunch, and she told me about something she just couldn’t find the answer to, or a project she didn’t know how to take the next step with, I would listen with a caring ear and process what she had said, but then drop it there and move on. It occured to be at some point, though, that some of the times people were telling me these things, they were either consciously or unconsciously asking for help to get past their problems. So I’d get back to the office, pop onto Google or some internal resource, and look up the answer to what they were looking for. If someone was trying to figure out the next step to a project, maybe I know someone who would be good to point them in the right direction and make that connection for them.

These are both small gestures, don’t take much time or effort, but could make a huge difference to someone’s day. Expand this to a way of thinking, of viewing the world, and suddenly you are helping lots of people every day, in both small and big ways. You may be thinking that this sounds like you’d spend a lot of your time helping others and not be able to get your own work done in the process. Allow me to suggest that you will find you can get more of your own work done by doing more for others. By helping others, you are building connections, and those people you are connecting with and helping have skills and contacts that can likewise help you get your projects done and your questions answered. Ever hear the phrase “it’s not what you know, but rather who you know”? This is how to really put that quote into action in a huge way.

Keep the circle going. Help others, and when others help you thank them for it. Heck, send them a little thank you card just for something small someone did for you every once in a while. Think how you would feel if someone took the time to do that for you, how great it would be to find that in your mailbox. Actually hand-write it yourself on real paper rather than an e-mail (e-mail is fine but lacks the feel of that personal touch for most people still).

You’ll be astounded at how enriched your own life quickly becomes if you have a small filter in the back of your mind constantly sifting interactions with other as they occur and looking for the gems of opportunity to show themselves.

Many times we’re caught up in the minutia of our work, so close to it on a daily basis, that the big picture eludes us and we lose sight of the forest for the trees. In particular, what I think we’d all be better off from is paying closer attention to what we do in our “boxes” (our cubicles at work, our cars, our homes, our computers, etc.).

I live in an area where in order to get to work, the way most people take is a freeway that is always horrible in the direction I’d be heading. On a good morning, I can expect to take 45 minutes of my morning up driving to my office taking that route. A couple of months ago, I decided to take a different route. You have to go over and around a mountain range, some land belonging to a Native American tribe, through National Forest land, and it seems if you look at it on a map to not make any sense at all. But it is all paved, at least four lanes, is the same speed limit as the freeway, and since no one takes it I am on cruise control most of the way rather than facing the tension headache of bumper to bumper traffic. The view is spectacular the whole way, so instead of getting to work completely frazzled, I’m full of energy and appreciation for the day ahead. And did I mention it takes me about 30-35 minutes to get to work that way instead of 45-60? Going a couple of miles out of my way each day has impacted my quality of life in an incredible way, and all it took was the initiative to try out an idea I had and see how it panned out.

I am completely confident there is the potential for each one of us to come up with at least one new approach to daily life that could make a big difference to our lives and the lives of those around us. Can’t figure out what to get someone on Valentine’s Day? Get together as a couple and come up with Valentine’s resolutions! They’re like New Year’s resolutions, except you do them as a couple, they are about how to be romantic for each other all year long instead of one day a year, and you stick to them. It might sound silly, but maybe you’d discover things about what each other wants or needs, or make it a point to go on a date each week even though you’re married and rekindle your relationship every weekend!

At work, your idea to make things more efficient could mean savings to the company. Your manager could take note. You might need to enlist others’ help, and by way of doing so you might learn a lot more about how your company works and who the people are in it. Maybe if you come up with a few practical ways to get things in your area more effective and efficient, your manager would be inclined to let you run with a project you’ve been wanting to create from scratch. Perhaps you can convince the right person to send you for training in regards to your profession and cover the expenses for you. Of course, in my humble opinion, the one guarantee is the satisfaction you’ll have in coming up with an idea and seeing it through as best you can.

Don’t be afraid to throw an idea out there because you think someone else might have already thought of it, or suggested it and been turned down. Even if someone did suggest something similar the year before, that was last year and someone else – today there might be budget for the idea that wasn’t there before. Or it might just take coming at it from a slightly different angle, yours, to push the idea over the edge into implementation or at least further consideration. Offering fresh perspective can be surprisingly powerful, because no one else takes the time to think inside the box.

If you’re looking and you can’t find something in your daily routines that needs fine tuning or tweaking, here’s something to watch out for. If you find yourself thinking anything like “This process makes no sense” or “Why does so-and-so always seem to be late to deliver this to me each month”, those are big clues! Take note of them, use them, own them! A good manager will often tell an employee who complains about something to fix the problem if they think there is one. It stops the people who just want to complain in their tracks, but it seeks also to strike initiative within the heart of someone who really cares about things improving to take steps to ensure improvement. Think about if you were a manager – would you prefer people working for you who just did what they were told, or would you prefer having a team with people on it that are always engaged and trying to make the work environment a better place?

I love my job, I love my life. Have a beautiful day.